Sorry we’ve been gone for… oh dear, 2 months? That can’t be right, can it?
Well rest assured– neither the Beastie or I sailed off the edge of the Earth.
The truth is, life is tough. Not “I’m a coal miner” tough, but “setting aside time to blog can be difficult when there are so many awesome new shows on television to watch” tough. #themindyproject
But now that we’re here, let’s catch up. The short version of the story is that harvest season has really picked up and I am currently working 6 days a week, roughly 60 hours a week. But I know you didn’t come here for the short version. In true 10-year-old-at-the-dinner-table-rambling-on-and-on-about-her-day form, here’s what I’ve been up to for the past two months:
- Bouldering! It’s like rock climbing, except without the ropes. So yes, way more badass, and (relatively) way more panties drop when I casually mention it in everyday small talk.
- Ordering my body weight in sushi and then complaining for countless hours about how full I am.
- Trying to figure out how to make these dorky safety vests look cool. Regrettably, they’re part of the dress code at work.
- Coyly pretending that I’m not dating that boy who just climbed into the watermelon bin at Costco because he insists “it’s the only way to pick the perfect watermelon.”
- WHOOPING my sister at fantasy football, despite my terrible, terrible record. SUCK IT, BOOBIES MCBIGBOOBS. You may have the superior rack, but I bring all the boys to the yard with my superior fantasy team. FEEL THE WRATH OF TEAM TOMBRADYSBABYMAMA.
- Adding this delicious elixir-paste of the Gods to everything… and I mean EVERYTHING. It tastes like if Jesus was to tuck you into bed at night and kiss you goodnight on your forehead, I swear.
- Bookmarking pages of “cute Samsung Galaxy S3 phone covers” even though my upgrade isn’t for another month.
- Saving innocent citizens of Gotham City with my no-longer secret superhero identity.
- Trying to teach my dog how to use the toilet.
- Grilling everything in sight because a) I was a girl scout and I know how to build a fire, b) grilled meats and veggies are effing delicious and c) I can feel my grip on summer slipping away, and grilling is the most “summery” thing to do after “rounding up all your friends to go to the pool but then never actually going because it’s too hot outside.”
- Getting lots of imaginary tattoos… and one real one.
- Starting pharmacy school, graduating from pharmacy school, and starring in NBC’s “To Catch a Predator,” all in the same day.
- Learning key Spanish phrases such as “tiempo de pachanga” and “yo no estoy el capitan– solamente un trabajo aqui” from my coworkers.
- Getting suckered into Dietbets. PLEASE JOIN AND KEEP ME COMPANY.
- Double-parking slash parking a little too closely to some mystery neighbor that has randomly appeared out of nowhere and started stealing my parking spot.
- Making new friends.
- Building a time machine so that I can go back to 1912 and make my life identical to Downton Abbey. Good lord, I am obsessed with that show.
- Googling what a “freakum dress” is.
- Playing Skype-tag with my mama :(
- Seducing my roommate with my ability to feed her grapes and then walk away slowly so she can admire my calves.
- Watching way, way, WAY too much Honey Boo Boo and Breaking Amish. Does anyone know where a sista can order a “You bettUR redneck-ognize” shirt??
- Unsuccessfully infiltrating the P1 class, even though the P2 class will be abandoning me in a year’s time. Those bitches.
- Defending my Vietnamese heritage despite disliking Vietnamese sandwiches.
- Creating the culinarily genius masterpiece that is the COSTCO TURDUCKEN, “a scrumptious polish sausage stuffed into a piping hot chicken bake, delicately wrapped in 2 slices of pizza, sprinkled with crushed red pepper,” with my brother and roommates. COMING SOON TO A COSTCO NEAR YOU!
- Oh, and of course, ruining nice photos with the Beastie, who I got to see for about 5 seconds :)
All this, mind you, have been accomplished– okay, attempted– under the pressure of keeping my excitement for the ever-so-on-the-horizon holiday season, when everyone will be cheery and fabulous be-sweatered, at bay. Do you know how hard it is to get shit done when all you can think about are hideously tasseled Christmas sweaters and peppermint hot chocolate?!
I promise I’ll try to keep better tabs on you from here on out, though.
I caved and bought The Casual Vacancy yesterday, even though I know that I’ll only expect it to magically turn into an 8th Harry Potter book the whole time I’m reading it…
I’ll let you know how it goes :)