How to have a swag-filled weekend.

I don’t want to brag but… let’s be honest, we all know I’m going to: I’ve corresponded emails with the great Go Jules Go. That’s right, more fabulous than Beyonce and more hilarious than those “Mayhem” Allstate Insurance commercials, the Queen of Guilty Pleasures graciously responded to my #fangirl screams a few weeks ago, and I’ve been too starstruck to blog ever since. Sure, the Olympics didn’t help (heeeeeello Nathan Adrian), but for the sake of my desire to flatter her silly, let’s say my absence was all Jules’ fault.

It all started one fateful lunch break.

After I reheat the roasted chicken for my homemade gourmet salad (this body don’t come for free, y’all), I decided it was time to reward that morning’s hard work with a quick gander through my WordPress reader. Naturally, my eyes wandered on over to see what Jules and her second husband were up to. I didn’t get a chance to prepare my body for the excitement that was about to ensue: SHE WAS HOSTING A ‘STACHE-GLASSES GIVEAWAY! I’ve been DYING to have a cute/artsy/faux-hipster Instagram photo with a cool plastic mustache just like my hero…

… so I quickly skimmed the responses and sent in my own to the question “what one famous person, dead or alive, you’d like trapped on a deserted island with you (and why).”

My heart definitely skipped several beats (I nearly DIED, Jules!) when I waddled into work a week later and was surprised with this response! Seriously. That comic strip is probably the greatest thing that will ever happen to me… including the birth of my first born. So naturally, I’ve printed it out and had it bound, ready to read it as a bedtime story to my future children (in between excerpts of Harry Potter, of course).

Faced with a very difficult decision, I turned to my trusty roommate for advice. WHICH PAIR DO I CHOOSE?!

With 100% sass and 0% sympathy, homegirl definitely responded with “guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl, you’s recently single. You needs some SWAG to make the fellas holla.” Okay. Ouch. But homegirl’s got a point. I gathered up the remains of my self-esteem, dried off the tears, and emailed Jules, letting her know that I’ll be needing some plastic SWAG.

Soon after, I received the most rhinestonalicious ‘stache and it’s become a permanent fixture of my face ever since.

My new ‘stache and I went rockclimbing…

And we went paddleboarding…

It even gave the roomie and me the credibility to look like legitimate forest rangers!

All my friends got super jealous, so obviously, I let them try it on… for a not-so-nominal fee of $10 per photo.



(That last one is a random old man we met at the pizza parlor… not me.)

So I just wanted to say…

THANKS FOR THE SWAG, JULES. AND THANKS FOR THE EXTRA-INCOME!

I’ve never been so complimented in my life.

Word on the street is, she’ll be holding another ‘stache giveaway (there should be a support-group/Ju’stache League type situation where all the winners band together in order to fight evil whilst drinking wine) around the end of August, so be sure to check out her blog and peruse for useful clues on how to flatter your way into her heart before the time comes.

Gambit happily volunteers to be the muscle.

(It’s not considered animal cruelty if he secretly enjoys it.)

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5 responses

  1. Okay. What comes after ‘winner’? Because that is what you are. Not only is your ability to flatter truly something for the books (the books like you’ll be reading to your kids along with the Bon-a-party post), but these pictures are…glorious.

    Wow. You are amazing. I might…oh my gawd. I might be speechless.

      • Just the fact that you tried makes you a swagger-ific rock star.

        I forgot to tell you before, but I LOVE those “Mayhem” Allstate Insurance commercials. I feel like you knew that.

        Because you’re awesome.

  2. Oh my god . . . Ju’stache League!! That is the most brilliant thing I think I have ever heard. I am officially submitting my application to become a member of that League. I mean, I have the stache glasses already, plus I am a committed Jules stalker, um follower, so I would assume I’m a shoo-in!! :)

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