50 Shades of Leprechauns

Alright, raise your hand if you’ve read Fifty Shades of Grey. Now raise your other hand if you’ve read Twilight. Good. Now keep them raised for this entire post. If you have one hand up, chances are you have both hands up, and I plan on draining the blood from both your limbs as punishment for partaking in such ridiculous nonsense.

When I first heard of Fifty Shades of Grey, I thought it was going to be about either

  1. a colorblind painter
  2. depression
  3. a depressed, colorblind painter

so I looked it up on Amazon to see if it was worth buying and immediately got smacked on the side of the face by reviews either loving or hating the latest soft porno pandemic spreading across America’s libraries.

This morning when I got into work, my coworker popped up on our office communicator and announced

50 shades of grey – it has begun.
Pretty much, Bella goes to college (without a computer or email as an english major ), gives up on vampires and inexplicably bites her lip ALL THE TIME.  She is still hella clumsy and for no good reason, a biollionare, a photogrpaher, and a lawyer all throw themselves at her.

Oh, and she changes her name to Anastasia Steele and gets a new best friend called Katherin Kavenaugh– and thus is my summary of the book thus far.

I’m like half way through and it is so improbable, I feel like glittery vampires are more likely than this story line.
I basically gave up after finding out she didn’t have a computer… as a graduating english major. In 2011.

Frustrated by what qualifies as “literature” these days, I decide to fireman-pole down from the high road and quickly suggest to my coworker that we cash in on this money train, and write our own stupid book about a stupid, bland girl zombie-of-a-human that has no opinions or thoughts of her own and have tons of improbably spectacular men throw themselves at her. (In my version, they will literally be throwing themselves at her… PHYSICALLY IMPALING HER WITH THEIR OWN BODIES.)

Unsure of where to start, I ask my coworker about the main character– seriously, how do I build a character that will fall so madly in love with this not-super-gorgeous, socially awkward twit? She tells me:

You’ll also need to come up with some ridiculous story for the main love interest: Christian Grey is all crazy because he was born to a crack whore, grew up hungry (so he has this strange obsession with making her eat), and then was adopted.  Oh and he also had some crazy Mrs. Robinson experience at 15.
We’ll need somethign like that to explain why he is all weird and aloof.
… but you can’t reveal it til like the last 100 pages

Alright, so here’s our idea so far!

There’s this amazingly handsome and suave man who has the maturity of George Clooney and boyish charm of Joseph Gordon Levitt; the sophistication of Prince William, sensitivity of Marshall Eriksen, and since we’re already hopelessly lost in fantasy-land, the body of David Beckham. Oh, and he’s brilliant! So brilliant, in fact, that he’s figured out an algorithm to find the end of rainbows, and thus, his fortune has been built upon the giant pots of gold he finds. One day, while ducking from the rain into a neighborhood Starbucks, he absent-mindedly walks into a girl who doesn’t look where she’s going because she’s too busy tending to her Tamagachi, and spills coffee all over her galoshes. She yells “OW!” but then realizes how dumb she is because the galoshes have protected her feet from any sort of minor burns the coffee would have caused. Still, he apologizes profusely, because he’s such a gentleman, after all, but she ignores him as she turns back to her Tamagachi. Because he’s a genius, he whips out his Android phone and quickly develops an app that allows him to hack onto her Tamagachi and makes the pet say “I’m sorry for spilling coffee on you. Can I please take you out to dinner?” She looks up from her table and nods yes at him, because even though she’s pretty dim, even she can realize how cool that move was.

If you didn’t know better, you’d think their first date was really a blind date, full of awkward silences and even more awkward conversation about how she likes to visit koi ponds because she likes to stick her hand in the water and have the fish suck on her fingers, or how she ate her twin in utero. This guy is a little freaked out, but hangs in there, because, as you find out on page 894, he has weird abandonment issues from being left in a stroller at the It’s a Small World stroller dropoff station in Disneyworld when he was 4. They continue to date, and though this girl has never been touched by a man before, every time she awkwardly bites her lip, they pounce on each other like wild animals and hypothetically make babies in the most unimaginably satisfying ways.

However, trouble is lurking in the shadows as we find out in book 2 that his fortune has come at a price: the leprechauns are angry at how he keeps stealing their pots of gold, and plot to seek revenge. A particularly sexy leprechaun is sent to tail Prince Charming but, of course, falls in love with the awkward girl himself. The empire of leprechauns grow furious with both the sexy leprechaun and Prince Charming, while they both continue to simultaneously battle over and cooperatively protect Awkward Girl from impending leprechaun-doom.

Would you buy this book?
Do you think George Lucas would be upset with me if I named the 3rd book “The Leprechaun Empire Strikes Back?”

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