Schwarma me.

Did everyone have fun celebrating their moms over the weekend?

Was it just me, or did everyone take their parents to see The Avengers? My little cousins, the Beastie, and I all went to see it on the same day! Albeit, my mom just got back from Texas to MN, so yesterday while I hung out with her on google+, I told her all about the movie… that’s pretty much the same thing as seeing it together, right?

I guess it’s pretty much the perfect movie for pretty much every type of mom out there. It’s got a little bit of something for everyone!

  • Chris Hemsworth for those that are into that whole long-haired, Fabio thing
  • Robert Downey Jr for those who sometimes fantasize about how the “bad boy” from HS 30-something years ago turned out
  • Mark Ruffalo for those that are looking for a strong yet sensitive man
  • Samuel L Jackson for those that either crave dark chocolate AND/OR a pirate in their lives
  • Stellan Skarsgård for those that are looking to fill in the void that the lack of a Mamma Mia sequel left in their hearts (yeah, he played Bill. Is your mind blown?) or for those that like men with those little circles above their vowels in their names
  • Tom Hiddleston for those in the Lucius Malfoy fanclub that don’t really like “Awake”
  • Paul Bettany for those that like creepy, albino monks (okay, this one is stretching it a little because you don’t actually see Jarvis)
  • Cobie Smulders and ScarJo for those who prefer the ladies… especially the kind dressed in skin-tight clothing… or those who just want their daughters to be exposed to strong female characters
  • Chris Evans for those with functioning eyes

Unfortunately for us, the Beastie and I weren’t able to see the movie together. Fortunately for you, the Beastie and I weren’t able to see the movie together. Believe me, you wouldn’t have wanted to be in a 10 mile radius of us once this came on the screen:

Is 10 miles enough? Probably should make that 20, just in case.

Let me paint you my emotions with a bunch of GIFs.

It was like

and

and

and a whole lotta

I’m not sure if “schwarma me” is a real pick up line or not, but I feel like anything said with correct tone and a perfectly executed wink could be. And I’m positive that if I ever was to ever meet Chris Evans (and my body wasn’t too busy convulsing out of control), that’s exactly what I would say to him.

Schwarma me.

Which brings me to my next point:

That movie was a lot funnier than I’d expected. Much like when I feel superior-ly intelligent when I understand the scientific references in Big Bang Theory, I feel pretty damn good about myself when I get the random, external references that the Marvel movies have been throwing around, such as the Legolas thing, the Point Break thing, the Reindeer Games thing…

That being said, I still have some questions for Joss Whedon.

  1. Why did the Romulins team up with Loki, and why wasn’t Captain Kirk there to team up with the Avengers?
  2. Why doesn’t Tony Stark buy Gwenyth Paltrow some shoes?
  3. What kind of hair conditioner does Thor use?
  4. What kind of magic, non-tearing pants does Bruce Banner wear, and can I buy a pair for next Thanksgiving?
  5. What kind of butt exercises does Scarlett Johansson do?
  6. When will Cobie Smulders introduce Ted Moseby to his future wife (surely to be an Avenger. Maybe Elektra?)?
  7. If Tony Stark already has the new NSX, does that mean Jay Leno and Jerry Seinfield already got theirs?
  8. Where were the X-Men when the beasts were raining down on NYC, and which jet flies faster? The X-Men or Shields jet?
  9. What’s the point of Loki’s beetle-like antlers? Is it a symbol that he’s ready to mate?
  10. Who would win in a fighter over Robert Downey Jr between Pepper Potts and Irene Adler?
  11. Why does Thor still have a cape? Did he not learn anything from The Incredibles?
  12. Did the Avengers ever get their schwarmas? And do they eat it with yogurt or tzatziki sauce?
  13. When is Hercules going to show up, and do the two demi-Gods combine to make one whole god and one whole mortal?
  14. Why didn’t Pepper Potts turn off her phone when she was on the plane?
  15. When is Natasha going to hook up with every single man in the Avengers like the comics, and are they going to show it?
  16. Was it Mulder and Scully who discovered Thor?
  17. Which district does Hawkeye come from? Why isn’t he coaching his tributes? How did he escape Panem?
  18. Is Nick Fury a cylon?
  19. Is Captain America considered a silver fox since he’s the oldest (well, barring Thor)?
  20. Why doesn’t Loki shimmer with a glittery glow when he’s in the sun?
  21. When will Cobie Smulders get bit by a radioactive rabbit and gain unparalleled hopping powers?
  22. What’s the point of having a “COUNCIL” if Nick Fury is going to do WTF he wants? And do they call him Nick Führer-y?
  23. Why do all superheros spawn from childhood trauma?
  24. Who does Natasha root for when she’s watching Olympics gymnastics?
  25. Does a nice bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon help the Hulk relax?
  26. How do female superheros feel about Spanx?
  27. What in the world is the purpose of a urinal cake?

So many questions, so little time.

If you have any answers to any of these questions, please respond ASAP. I can’t sleep until I figure it out.

Until then, I’ll be hanging out with my fellow superheros in the Nick Fury Airport:

(image courtesy of my favorite “Icons” blog)

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