A farewell to [hands].

When I asked my aunt to upload her pictures, she asked if I preferred a Facebook album or emailed photos. Didn’t matter to me; whichever was easier. She replied, asking “isn’t it crazy that it’s easier for me to upload 40 pictures onto Facebook than it is for me to send you an email?” to which I responded “hey, remember when ordering double prints at Rite Aid to send out via snail mail was a thing?”

It pains me to think that people don’t print pictures at Rite Aid anymore because it used to be one of my favorite past times. If all I did on a Saturday afternoon was drop off a canister of film (full of random stupid snapshots of the floor and door knobs, no doubt, because I have the photographic skills of a 3 year old), and more importantly, sliding on over from the “photo center” to the ice cream counter, then I’d consider it a pretty damn good weekend. I’m vain and I love having pictures developed. Also, Rite Aid ice cream is the shit.

So if no one’s doing that anymore, what else is going to be “history?”

Things that will be obsolete in 5 years:

  1. “Please wash hands before returning to work” signs. If Japan gets their way– and let’s face it, in what universe will they not get their way?– we will all be using fancy bidets that shoot water and perfume and unicorn tears (I heard it’s the secret to keep your lady parts “young and fresh”) up our yoo-hoos. And because the Japanese are so efficient, these bidets will most certainly come equipped with squeegees and dryers (and maybe even a little robotic arm that feeds you Greek yogurt while you’re taking care of your business), eliminating the need to ever “wipe” or use your hands.
  2. Physical stores / malls / shopping bags. Another thing to thank Japan for! In Japan, they’ve capitalized on the notion that people LOVE TO PUSH BUTTONS! Myself included. That’s why in Japan, there’s a vending machine for every 23 citizens. That’s more than the ratio of Kobe jerseys to LA residents. Which is greater than the ratio of dollar bills I make rain per stripper. In Japan, you can pretty much buy anything from a machine: beer, cigarettes, flowers, umbrellas, lingerie, veggies, shoes, porn… even live lobsters! And say you’re not just too lazy to drive to the store, but you’re also too lazy to walk to the vending… well they solved that problem too! They built vending ROBOTS that WALK AROUND. Aka, THEY will come to YOU! For everything else you need, there’s the internet. Now all I need is a robot Tom Brady and I’ll be set. GET ON THAT, ASIAN ENGINEERS.
  3. Vocal chords. I’ve recently realized that I communicate much more often (and much more efficiently) through written word than verbally, and have concluded that humans will evolve in a way that soon, we’ll lose our vocal chords and they’ll be replaced by a second set of smaller hands, specifically designed to type at 280wpm. Obviously, this will only last a short while. Darwinism will win out when we move from “touch screens” to “voice activated” everything, and we’ll regain our vocal chords and lose those mini-neck-hands.
  4. Paper clips / Staplers. Now that we’ve moved into the digital era where paper is only used to wrap up leftovers from buffets to throw into your oversized purse, paper clips and staplers* will no longer be necessary to hold documents together. Henceforth, paper clips shall only be used to pick locks to break into your crush’s home, and staplers will only be used to throw at your boyfriend’s face when he tells you you’ve had enough beer for the night.
  5. Fedoras. Far too douchey. And though douchey is “in” right now, we’re either going to move onto the “bitchy” look, or find something even douchier to wear / accessorize with.
  6. Laughter. Because Alec Baldwin is leaving 30Rock, and only 13 more episodes have been ordered for its final season (along with Parks and Recreation, the Office, and Community). To be replaced by TLC’s “John and Kate and Gremlins,” ABC’S “Dancing with the Gremlins,” and A&E’s porno “INMYPANTS-ion… with Gremlins.” Yes, we will all turn into Gremlins because Alec Baldwin is abandoning us.
  7. Those “the audience singing with you at concerts” moments. Do people even go to concerts anymore with the invention of Youtube? Thanks, Youtube.
  8. Spice Girls fans. It makes me cry to report that I was babysitting these kids one day and they didn’t know who the Spice Girls are. They also didn’t know who the Backstreet Boys are (even though Kevin is officially back and another album will be releasing soon! EEK!), or that Justin Timberlake was from *NSYNC. Worse, kids in grade school right now probably don’t even realize that he can sing. THEY THINK HE’S JUST A SHITTY ACTOR! This is my plea to you, JT, to please release another CD. 
  9. Christmas Coke commercials. Due to global warming, kids won’t even know what polar bears are in a few years, and seeing the traditional Christmas Coke commercials with the all-white bears will probably cause children to freak out that their TV’s have reverted back to black&white and immediately smash the screens with their archaic wii remotes (it’s also pretty ridiculous that “remotes” are going to be obsolete. DAMN YOU, XBOX KINECT).
  10. YOLO. As a Buddhist, and strong believer in reincarnation, I find “the motto” to be completely incorrect. Therefore, I am proposing that we change it to YOLOL— you only laugh out loud. Because that seems much more fun. I know this directly opposes my #6, but it’ll take a few years for us to morph into non-laughing gremlins, so you have at least a year to YOLOL.

Honestly, if this is what the future will be like, I’d rather avoid becoming a gremlin with hands coming out of its neck chasing after robot vending machines, and welcome the 12.20.12 apocalypse. I will spend the next 7 months trying to prepare you for this through my wise blog-words.

Until then…

YOLOL, my lovelies.




*Can’t have a stapler mention without an Office Space clip!


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