Alright, ladies and gents. Time for another awesome recap of my awesome weekend that will be sure to make you jealous!

But first, a story.

Once upon a time, there were two super cute adorable girls. They took all the same classes in college and one wouldn’t let the other skip class like the other one wanted. After having lived together for 4 straight years, they found themselves moving in opposite directions (Elk Grove vs Napa from the world epicenter that is Davis, CA). Finally, they were reunited, along with their other housemates, in Pismo beach, and the neighborhood was not able to handle us.

You know how with some friends, you don’t have to see or even talk to for long periods of time, but whenever you do find the time to get together, it’s as if nothing has changed? I’ve grown to really appreciate that quality in a friendship ever since graduating college. We’ve all definitely transitioned from spending every single moment together to being those stereotypical “I just graduated and now I work 40+ hours a week and all I want to do after I come home from work is eat dinner, watch some trash tv, drink a glass of wine, and go to bed… I’m lucky if I see my friends once a week” type of Devil Wears Prada characters.

And then there are those friends that you just met who you feel like you’ve known your whole life. You know, the ones that you secretly suspect have already Facebook stalked you (am I the only one that finds it flattering if someone has FB-stalked you?) because they “get you.”

I’d say the Beastie and I are a little bit of both: we get along like we were co-habitating wombs, and even though we don’t see each other nearly as often as I’d like, it’s pretty much as magical as when we used to pour ourselves all over Channing Tatum movies and freshly baked brownies every weekend.

Anyways, that pretty much sums up my weekend: an awesome 3 days spent with some fun people in a house filled with beer and brownies and cheesecakes and other unspeakable things I’ve been avoiding ever since I told myself I’d be “healthier” and “avoid diabetes,” literally on the beach.

OH! to continue with the above “fairy tale,” the girl I am referring to is my former roommate Mari, whom the Beastie and I have known since middle school. We went to college together, and during our junior year, ended up living with these 3 guys.

These 3 guys redefine bromance. Maybe not redefine, but definitely epitomize. Maybe both. Repitomfinize.

Why is it that girls are so much cuter than boys?

Anyways, we spent the weekend learning how to play rage cage (yes, we are all working professionals– teachers, MBAs, pharmacists, etc– but we still feel the need to play rage cage)

and conquering sand dunes with our ATVS

and cooking delicious things like korean bbq burritos (kimchee fried rice + korean bbq beef + sauteed onions and bell peppers) & crazy ass bacon wrapped burgers

(yes, our weekend was sponsored by Blue Moon)

But oddly enough, the “exciting” thing that happened to us all weekend was that we were robbed. While we were in the house. Now, keep in mind that while I was blasting my way up a sand dune, I literally POPPED A 90 degree WHEELIE with my ATV and easily could’ve been fatally hurt as I was thrown off of it and it was on its way down to crushing me to death. And STILL the most exciting thing to happen was that someone broke into the house.

Now, as an avid fan of Criminal Minds, I pretty much began speculating the scene and narrowing the paradigm for a thief as soon as Mari told me our purses were missing and the sliding door was left wide open (no one  in our group had used the sliding door all weekend long). I ran out side and noticed that the gate into the backyard was definitely ajar. A sure sign that there must’ve been a break-in, given that none of us even knew how to open the gate. My friend later revealed that during our dinner bbq in the backyard, she noticed that some creepy guy kept looking over the fence at us, but given that we were renters and new to the area, she didn’t think much of it. Luckily, I had packed my miniature magnifying glass and deerstalker hat. It didn’t take long to realize that they had only stolen 3 things: Mari’s purse, my purse, and my toiletries.

We grabbed flashlights and ran outside, and eventually found my toothbrush laying on the ground a few yards from the gate into the backyard. Great, now how will I brush my teeth?!

Fortunately for me, I didn’t have much cash, so the thief didn’t gain much, other than some gorgeous ID photos of myself, but unfortunately for Mari, she had just gone to the ATM to pull out money to pay back our friends who had fronted the food and rental costs. $200, gone in the round of rage cage (which is what we had been playing upstairs while this all went down).

Eventually, the cops did come, but didn’t seem to really give a crap and didn’t even bother to file a report (surely, there must be some law saying that if you’re called about a robbery, you need to file a report?), so I doubt this person will ever be caught, but in the event that they’re actually somewhat cool (or if I just attract criminals with my blog), here is my letter to you:

Dear Pismo Thief,

First, let me just tell you that what you did to my friend Mari really sucks. She just got into pharmacy school and will soon be donating her eggs, hair, arms, and liver in order to afford grad school, so she can’t really afford to be randomly losing any sort of money.

Second, I hate you for stealing my wallet, which contained my UC Davis ID card, which displays my absolute favorite picture of myself. Is it vain to have a favorite picture of yourself? I guess the validity of this question went out the window as soon as “default profile pictures” became a thing. Actually, I don’t even care if it makes me vain. I’ve spent enough time volunteering at retirement homes and geriatric wards in the hospital to have a pretty decent grasp of what age can do to a gal, and I’d like to keep that photo as both a trophy and evidence that I, at one point, was “ok” looking. Also my toiletry bag, which contained both my peacock feather earrings (the only “cool” accessory I will ever own, probably, cuz I am simple and boring!) and, more importantly, my high school class ring (which my parents gave me for Christmas my junior year).

It sucks for you I only had 20 bucks. If you’re smart, you’ll go cash my MegaMillions ticket that I kept so neatly tucked into my wallet. I only won $12. Now I’m glad I didn’t get the jackpot. Since everything else is pretty much useless to you (I cancelled all my debit/credit cards that night, so good luck using them), I’d really appreciate it if you’d just send back my UCD Id card, Costco card, and class ring, because that bitch is going to be at least $250 to replace, according to the website. OH! And also my driver’s license while you’re at it, please, because I just get that new one 2 weeks ago, and no one will believe me that I have a M1 class license until I get a new one.

With that being said, I’d like to thank you for not hiding out somewhere inside the house, waiting until we all fell asleep from our panic-highs, and then proceeding to (rape and) murder us. I’ve watched enough Criminal Minds, Psych, Mentalist, CSI, NCIS, Rizzoli & Isles, and SAW to know that that easily could’ve been a possibility. Though that was probably a smart move on your behalf, because I’ve been working out like crazy, and that, combined with my 10 years of karate, is a deadly weapon. Especially considering that I’ve always dreamed of attacking an intruder with my lacrosse stick.

I now dedicate this song to you.





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