In case you didn’t know, it was Picnic Day in Davis over the weekend. What’s Picnic Day, you ask? Well if you had accepted my friendship request on Facebook, then you would’ve already known from my status that “Picnic Day is like your 21st birthday, the 4th of July, and graduation day all rolled up into one.” (Yes, I just quoted myself. An obvious sign that I’ve become a success.)
We Davis students (er, alums? I don’t know what I am to Davis anymore. How about “Those of us who have gotten lost in the concrete jungle* that is the Death Star?”) don’t have much to celebrate in our horridly rural UC campus– I am serious, our mascot is an “Aggie”… and we’re not talking about the cool Texan kind– so once a year, we pretend that the entire school is an open campus event that’s been commandeered by an out-of-control frat party. I don’ t know why I said “pretend,” because that’s actually exactly what it is.
Anyways, I’m sure you’re dying to hear all about my awesome adventures, but my body hasn’t quite recovered enough for me to mentally relive the tale, so instead, I am going to make you privy to a very intellectual conversation I had with my brother and roommate the day before Picnic Day.
We were eating my body weight in fried goodness…
(Photo taken AFTER a giant portion had already been partitioned off for Judy)
…and watching something awesome like Always Sunny when suddenly, hidden amongst the normal commercials, sprouted a random, SPANISH-SPEAKING Toyota Prius commercial.
Now, to be honest, because I’m so fluent in Spanish (I’ve been taking Ricky Martin’s GLEEfully SPANISH classes), I didn’t even notice the language switch, but when my brother and Thom pointed it out, it definitely got us thinking: why was this network broadcast commercial in Spanish? Without realizing what channel we were on (FX), I suggested “maybe it’s a local demographic thing?” (My suggestions are always so eloquent and jargon-y.)
This was quickly dismissed because, after all, this was a network channel, and there isn’t even that big of a Hispanic population here in Vallejo… is there? I quickly and very racistly said “there should be a Prius commercial in ‘GANGSTA’!” because let’s be honest here… I don’t know what the ethnic distribution is here in this fair city, but I sure as hell know that every single citizen is 100% gangsta.
And that includes you, Lindsay Newsom. Aka, the whitest girl I know.
So here are the reasons why my brother, my housemate, and I think Toyota should start targeting gangsters as a target Prius demographic:
- The element of surprise. They’re so quiet, no one will ever hear a drive-by coming.
- Efficiency. Can’t ignore the gas efficiency. Think of all the bullets you can buy with all that saved money!
- Camouflage. There’s a billion Prius-es on the road. Drug trafficking just got that much easier.
- Spaciousness. You can squeeze way more ho’s and bitches in the back.
- Better for the planet. How are you gonna terrorize the streets if you’re being suffocated by greenhouse gases?
- Time management. Less time spent filling up at the gas station means more time pistol-whipping your friends.
Ironically, these are the exact same reasons why the police department should also start buying up Prius-es to be utilized as stakeout vans.
Toyota, these ideas are iron-tight copyrighted, so if you do decide to market them to gangsters, pimps, and law enforcement, please know that I am available for marketing hire.
I officially start a new job tomorrow. Thus I am going to try to head to bed early (before 3am) tonight.
Hasta manana, beaches.
*I know you think “concrete jungle” is a reference to NYC due to Alicia Keys and Jay-Z. It’s a very common mistake. Concrete Jungle is, indeed, the Death Star building at UC Davis. NYC is actually a “concrete bunghole where dreams are made up.” So…. yeah.
OH! PS! BEFORE I FORGET.
I am very upset with Costco right now. They, like clever drug dealers, give us the good stuff (Cuties) and then intermittently lose their supply and try to substitute it with significantly lower quality clementine oranges that have similar looking bags and try to trick us into thinking that these impostors are just as sweet and easy to peel. Do not– I repeat, DO NOT— buy “Citrines.” EVEN IF A CUTE BLOND GIRL TELLS YOU TO BUY THEM BECAUSE “THE SKATEBOARDING ORANGE IS SO CUTE AND I WOULD TOTALLY HANGOUT WITH THAT ORANGE IF I WAS AN ORANGE.” IT’S A SCAM. True, it is pretty cute that they name the skateboarding orange “Dandy Dude,” and these bags don’t have creepy photos of creepy-looking children on them like the Sunkist imitation clementines, but they are still a disgrace to the “CUTIES” bin.
Here’s a picture. Make sure to avoid these.