My Self-Sufficiency is Deteriorating.

They say you don’t ever realize what you’ve got until it’s gone. Most of the time, I think people use this phrase in reference to taking a significant other for granted, but I say that’s bollocks– you definitely are aware of what you’ve got, you’re just unaware of how good you’ve got it until it gets worse.

For example, pretend you’re a medium sized giraffe. Because you’re not the tallest giraffe in the jungle (err… Savannah? Plateau? Where is it that giraffes live, again? AFRICA! You’re a medium sized giraffe in Africa.), you tend to be jealous of the tall, hunky giraffes that eat the tallest and best eucalyptus leaves. So every night, before you go to bed, you wish on that glowing Mufasa in the sky that when you wake up, you’re 10 feet taller. Also, some bulging pecs and super defined calves would be nice, because c’mon, that’s what the lady giraffes like. But earlier that day, you unknowingly offended Mufasa’s pup by mockingly yelling “HAKUNA MATATA, SUCKAA” at him whilst cutting him in line at the local Starbucks watering hole, and consequently, Mufasa decides to punish you by destroying your manlihood, shrinking you down to the size of a toy chihuahua and condemning you to a lifetime of being in lame DirecTV commercials.

Suddenly, being a medium sized giraffe doesn’t seem so bad, does it?

As I stated last time, my phone is on the fritz. It doesn’t work unless it’s plugged in, so it’s basically transformed back into a land line. Aka, Charizard turned back into Charmander. The first few days, I felt like a person on bedrest. Not to belittle someone who is literally on bedrest, but I really felt like it was difficult to function without my phone. Everywhere I went, I felt a void where my phone used to be. I didn’t even know what time of day it was because I had gotten so used to substituting my watch with my phone! Eventually, my body started to develop an adrenaline rush whenever I realized I was phoneless, like I was suddenly so ALIVE from living such a thrilling and phoneless life. My perspective started to change, and I began thinking thoughts such as:

  • if my car crashes right now, I will have no way of calling 911 or snapping quick photos of the damage that’s done
  • the CIA and FBI can’t track me right now
  • what’s that word for when there’s a pebble in your shoe, again? BLURGH. who cares? I can’t google it.
  • my wit is so wasted without twitter!
  • I should pretend I’m talking on the phone and when the cop pulls me over, it’ll be evident that I don’t actually have a phone and I can shout IN YO’ FACE!
  • I’ll finally be telling the truth when those creepy guys ask me for my number… as opposed to all the times I tried to give them that excuse with cell phone in hand

I’ve finally gotten to the point of acceptance; I tell my roommate whenever I leave the house and if I don’t come back in a reasonable amount of time, take the locke of my hair kept safely in the medicine cabinet and take it to the canine unit at the police department. If she needs something at the grocery store when I’m already there, all she has to do is email Professor X and he’ll telepathically tell me. Life is simple again.

Sometimes I like to pretend I’m on an adventure with Louis and Clark, exploring the lands without the convenience of my googlemaps, or that I’m Elizabeth Bennet sending long, articulate letters in the mail instead of short text messages (riddled with salty language, mind you!), or that I’m a real farmer and not just tapping my index finger on Farmville.

It’s weird that people used to live like this without the anxiety that I experience. I heard they used to walk places, as opposed to driving? WEIRD. How did you know if people think you’re funny if there’s no “like” button in real life for things you say?

Sorry, I’m rambling now. The point is, this handsome guy next to me is learning in class without a laptop and I think it’s absurd. Why? Because it is absurd how handsome he is. Also, the lecture is on a powerpoint, so it just makes sense to have some sort of computation device. This explains why his handwriting is so nice.

On a tangent, yes, I go to my roommate’s grad school classes for fun. It’s interesting, and I’ve come to realize that the opportunity is learn is just another thing I took for granted when I was still in college.

Back to the point, if anything worse happens to my phone or laptop, I will smack in you in the face with my ping pong paddle.


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