How Merlot Can You Go? … pt 3

Gimme a few seconds with Dia Frampton’s DON’T KICK THE CHAIR to pump myself up for this last post. I’ve been shamelessly obsessed with this song for months, and it still hasn’t let up. In case you haven’t heard it, it’s this song here:

I wish I could buy floating speakers that follow me around playing this song. I’d walk down the street or through narrow hallways in the library with my posse behind me and out of nowhere, papers will go flying everywhere and we’d break into song/dance. The rap will start to play and we’re suddenly out splashing through puddles in the rain… Oh, how glorious my life would be. I’d also be perfectly happy if my life turned out like this:

But anyways, what we were talking about? Oh yes, Napa. First things first: they LOVE it when you drop it like it’s hot in Napa. But here are a few things they DON’T LOVE:

  1. Drunkards. There is a thin line between buzzed and drunk, and the people in Napa are very good at distinguishing one from another. If you’re drunk, ask for water. Get some carbs in you. And never, EVER drive. Napa Valley cops are pretty much the offspring of the Justice League and the Avengers, with a little bit of X-Men mixed in when it comes to cracking down on DUI’s. KNOW YOUR LIMIT!
  2. People dancing on their tables. I’ve also been lucky enough to witness this. Unfortunately, it was not the same lady who whipped out her Ta-Tas for the winery, but I wouldn’t be surprised if  it’s already on her rap sheet.
  3. W(h)iners. HAHA, I’m punny. Anyways, yes, it gets busy and crowded sometimes, and you may need to wait a few minutes to get the attention of your server. Relax! Go outside and soak in the scenery. Have a conversation with that cute and friendly girl standing next to you… I think her name is Alexha? This is not a sweaty nightclub where you need to barge into the bar, slam 4 shots, and then go grind on random girls in the corner. First of all, I’m pretty sure that lady is someone’s grandma. Secondly…. well, I just can’t get that image of you and Betty White out of my head now. I’m always astounded by how impatient people can be when winetasting. What’s the rush? It’s not like there’s a limited supply of the stuff.
  4. Overly couply couples. You know who I’m talking about. Those hormonal middle schoolers trapped inside grown ass adults’ bodies. It’s called wine country, not wine-in-the-privacy-of-your-own-room, so put your clothes back on and quit making all those awkward makeout noises. You’re going to make me throw up. This is what plays in my head whenever I see excessive PDA:
    Also, there are PLENTY of chairs in Napa. You do NOT need to be sitting on each other’s laps. Now, in the case that you think I’m just a bitter old spinster, rest assured that I am not. I don’t own any cats, so I’m pretty sure I’m in the clear. It just makes me super uneasy when people are overly affectionate. Call me old fashioned, but I think the only reason someone’s mouth should be touching someone else’s mouth that often in public is if one of those someone’s was drowning, and the other is CPR certified. I’m going to assume I’m not the only one on this naive wagon.

Alrighty! Onto things that ARE encouraged in wine country!

  1. Dumping your wine. No one expects you to finish every single pour you get. If you don’t like it, or if you’re trying to pace yourself, dump it into the bucket they have in front of you! Don’t worry about it going to waste. At night, a fairy goes around and collects all the wine that’s been collected in the buckets and feeds her unicorn with it, so you’re actually doing them a favor.
  2. Asking lots of questions. Wine tasting is about the experience. The more questions you ask, the better the conversation is going to be between you and whoever is presenting the wine to you. I’ll be honest, wine country is like a cult, and we try to suck in as many people as possible. This is done in two ways: we either intrigue you with all of our fascinating wine talk, facilitated by the questions that you ask, or we send our enological vampires after you. If you’re like me, you’d probably prefer the former, because my neck is too perfect looking to have any holes in it. If you want to know anything, ask. The more you understand, the better the experience.
  3. Taking lots of pictures. You’re (most likely) spending time with people you like, (hopefully) having a fantastic time, and smack dab in the one of the most beautiful places in the world. Why not whip out your DSLR and snap a million photos? Besides, you look HAWT, and you haven’t posted pictures onto your Facebook for over a week! CARPE DIEM!
  4. Clinking glasses. There are few sounds that resonate cheerfulness better than a bunch of glasses clinking together. There’s so much to celebrate, every single day. I try to make a point of making toasts and clinking as often as possible, even if it’s something stupid like “to healthier bowel movements!” Or, at the very least, a CHEERS! will do. Here’s how to say it in a bunch of different languages, in case you get bored of our stale American way: CLICK ME.

AWESOME. WordPress has a “word count” feature so conveniently located right in front of my left eyeball. Seeing as how I’m about to hit 1000 words, I should probably wrap it up, out of fear that I’ve rambled far too much these past 3 posts and I’ve lost your patronage forever. Also, I stopped mid-way through an episode of Pretty Little Liars and I’m dying to find out what’s about to happen. Say what you will about the show, it is way too intriguing. I will be the first to admit that I am sometimes afraid of watching it by myself with the lights off. And before you scoff at me, I’ll have you know that I am a huge fan of horror movies. There’s just something about this show!

Whoops, there goes the rambling again.

It’s almost the weekend, so go pick out a sundress– I’ll see you in Napa!


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