Ok, unbunch your panties. I’m back.
So you want to go winetasting, eh? No? But I’m coercing you to? Cool. I don’t care what it takes, as long as I get you there.
Watch your step as you hop onto the FUN TRAIN, we’re about to journey through my guidelines for visiting wine country! *toot toot* ALLLLL ABOARD!
The first thing people always ask me is “what do I wear?” This makes me very happy because for the first time in my life, I’m revered as a fashion guru. This is probably no one’s intention because, understandably, no one would ever put “Alexha” and “fashion” together in a sentence (unless if it’s something along the lines as “Alexha, that is such a fashionably chocolate ice cream cone you’re eating!” Wait– can chocolate be fashionable? SEE? I AM A LOST CAUSE). But again, I don’t care. Just give me one, okay? I’ve come a long way from wearing my older brother’s hand-me-downs, though this sweater of his is pretty BAMF.
Anyways, I no longer dress like a total dork, so you can trust me now. Napa Valley, like all valleys in California, is subject to the infinite awesomeness that is Californian weather. We really only have 2 seasons: chilly and sunny. It’s easy to dress when it’s chilly because all you have to do is watch people scurrying around Union Square. Those San Franciscans deal with chilly weather year round! Through some very thorough research, I’ve deducted two algorithms. The first is for a female: just put together some sort of combination of boots, skinny jeans, sweater, jacket. BOOM. You look the part. The second algorithm is for the fellas, and it goes like this: just pretend it’s casual Friday at work. (Wait, how casual is casual Friday? Business casual, right?) Here is a photo of the Beastie doin’ it right. (Thanks for letting me use it… even though I didn’t ask. SURPRISE!)
Winter is a breeze (pun intended). The sunnier months, however, is when people start veering from decency. For some reason, girls start to forget about the “classy” and “reserved” aspects and start focusing on the “slutty” and “drunk” aspects. I am by no means ultra conservative, but I most definitely do not want to be seeing an eyeful of cleavage while I’m chugging down my Syrah! Firstly, coming from a small Asian girl, I do not need to see you flaunting what my ancient culture has not blessed me with. Secondly, they are distracting, and I don’t want to look like a perv just because I don’t know where else to look when I’m talking to you– you’re setting me up for failure! In the morning when you’re getting dressed, if you’re having doubts that your boobs are totally and completely secure in that top, please change. No joke, I have seen a boob pop out at a winery. And it was not pleasant for any of us… except maybe the winery dog, who suddenly wasn’t at the center of attention for being adorably overweight and frighteningly asthmatic.
Fellas, I don’t have many rules for you. I know it’s summer, but please don’t confuse winetasting with houseboating. If you can wear it onto a golf course that costs more than $10 to play a round, you’re probably safe. Above all else, if you’re going to wear sandals, please commit to it 100%, and for the love of God, do NOT wear socks underneath.
So here, study these two photos of people (okay, I admit it, they’re pictures of ME) doing it right, and one that’s all wrong. I won’t label them so you can figure out which picture falls into which category… think of it as a pop quiz!
Wow, this was a lot longer than I expected (that’s what she said), so I think I will take a break and go at it again in a few hours. (TWSS. I CAN’T HELP IT, GUYS. THEY WRITE THEMSELVES.) Go stretch your legs and your mind. The next portion is going to be a marathon of knowledge.