How Merlot Can You Go? … pt 1

Alrighty ladies and gents. Now that we’ve gotten the nitty gritty formalities out of the way, it’s time for date number 2. (I swear I won’t try to date you this entire blog, but this is a good tie-in!) In my mind, the perfect setting for a second date is winetasting in the (world famous) Napa Valley. Okay, winetasting in general. But Napa has the best wine. How do I know this? I work in Napa. SO AWESOME, right? RIGHT?! Yes. And no. The best thing about working in Napa is that I get to go winetasting for free whenever I want. The worst part about working in Napa is finding people my age to go winetasting with. [Full disclosure, I’m 23.75 years old.] There aren’t a whole lot of recent college graduates who have a palate for wine, much less mild excitement about wine.

For this, I blame cheap beer brands and their clever drinking games. Seriously, beer pong?! A quiet evening with your closest friends blind-tasting wine and nibbling on cheeses you can’t pronounce doesn’t stand a chance against the possibility of taking home the highly coveted PONG-CHAMP belt. I also blame the fact that more companies haven’t popularized plastic wine glasses. C’mon, no one wants to bring breakable glasses to a barrel-er (the wine equivalent of a kegger) if they can rinse out the red Solo cups they used last weekend. But mostly I blame the misconception that Napa winetasting is super snobby and “sophisticated.” It’s really not. If I can do it, the Beast (prior to his Cogsworth and Lumiere makeover) can do it… which means YOU can do it. Not that you’re the Beast.

But seriously gentlemen, here are my top 5 reasons as to why a trip to Napa Valley makes the perfect second date:

  1. She’s going to think you are super classy, and super into sophisticated things like art, literature, and blah blah blah, all those other things girls like. ALL BECAUSE YOU’VE PRETENDED TO LIKE WINE. This way, you’ll never have to take her to a museum, poetry reading, etc.
  2. It’s pretty much the only way to get a nice day-buzz going without being judged.
  3. Everyone else around you is going to be, on average, 65 years old. AIN’T NO OTHA PLAYA GON’ BE STEALIN’ YO’ GIRL.
  4. The people who pour you wine are incredibly friendly and talkative, meaning there’s way less pressure on you to keep the conversation going. Just chime in every once in awhile. Seriously, those pourers are PAID TO TALK TO THE TWO OF YOU. Just let them do the work.
  5. Kind of cheesy, but Napa is INCREDIBLY GORGEOUS. Even if she turns out to be kind of a dud, there’s plenty of other beautiful things to look at.

Check out these photos I google-imaged while I take a sip of my wine.

What girl in her right mind is going to suddenly make up plans to get out of spending a day with you getting drunk amongst that scenery? NO GIRL. If she bails on you after you mention Napa because she suddenly remembered she has to go to a seminar on menopause or needs to take her brother’s girlfriend’s aunt to the airport or has a UTI, SHE IS LYING. First of all, menopause, like global warming, is a myth. The female body only gets more awesome as time goes on. And secondly, if she mentions anything about a UTI, just drop her like a bar of soap in the shower. You do NOT want to be dating a girl who believes in aliens.*

Aaaaand yeah. That last one’s a real, momo-effin castle. Took 30 years and $14million to build; all the materials were shipped from Europe and they only used 18th and 19th century technology to build it, NBD. Did I mention there’s a torture chamber?

Okay, I can tell you’re getting excited, so like the writers of HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER, I’m going to leave you, unsympathetically, at a cliff hanger until tomorrow for my guidelines on how to impress said date in Napa. Until then, practice swirling those glasses of wine! Nothing more painful than a wrist injury from overswirling wine.

*okay, this is only the second time we’ve ever contacted, so I feel like I need to clarify that I don’t actually get UTI and UFO mixed up. I’m listening to HIMYM in the background and it just seems like something Barney would say. So yes, I am channeling NPH’s fictional character and yes, I am equally as awesome. 

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